Green light
Originally uploaded by Phil_Parker

Getting out and about

The recent apocalyptic snowfall has me pondering on aspects of the life we lead. A couple of days ago someone on the radio invented the word "hypermobility" to describe the idea that we all feel we can go anywhere at any time we want - something seen as a right and not a privilege or luxury.

Not being one for invented words this still appealed to me as it's true. The modern car means I could normally leave my keyboard and drive to Thurso at the drop of a hat. I can be reasonably certain that the 587.7 miles would be trouble free and apart from buying diesel and the odd snack I'd only need to stop if I felt tired. The only thing that stops me is that I don't want to make the trip (by car anyway, trains are different) not that I feel I can't.

You may be saying that this is a good thing. It's lovely to have the freedom to travel when we feel like it. I'm inclined to agree but there is a downside and that's what we are experiencing at the moment. Snow has blocked a lot of roads or at least made travelling down them difficult. Trains, buses and planes are similarly affected. And we struggle to cope.

It wasn't always thus. Years ago the British simply got out the shovels and cleared the snow. The spirit of the blitz would descend, we'd be in the streets standing shoulder to shoulder against the evil gods of inclement weather. Schools wouldn't close, buses would run, civilisation wouldn't be on the brink. Why can't it still work like this ?

Simple - hypermobility. Because we can travel, we do. People don't live within walking distance of work any more. According to the Guardian the best length of commute for your good mental health is half an hour. That's 10-15 miles if you aren't driving through a town. Live near a motorway and you'd get almost 30 miles. People happily drive that sort of distance twice a day. At the bottom of my road there is a housing estate that is home to London commuters - that's 100 miles each way every day. Cars leave at around 7am and get back God knows when. Try and walk that one and it will take you 25 hours.

The knock on effect is that bad weather means teachers, who rarely live in the area, can't get to school even if there nearby streets are clear. If they can, the kids are often driven (I nearly said "bused" but there are lots of posh kids around here who can't be in the same vehicle as people not of the same family) many miles so they can't get in. I used to walk best part of 2 miles no matter what came out of the sky and many still do but probably not enough to make it worth turning on the heating for.

Worse still, bad snow means starvation can set in quickly. People will shop at a supermarket on the way home from work several times a week. How many have a larder or significant food storage ? Modern flats don't always allow for a wardrobe in the bedroom never mind a fortnights food in the kitchen. Even if you can make it to the supermarket then they may be out of supplies. Modern business relies on "just in time" deliveries. Be it factory or Tesco, they don't have big store rooms. A couple of central warehouses miles from anywhere service numerous outlets. The lorries have to move goods many times a day or the whole process grinds to a halt.

Sadly, very few people understand this is happening or at least if they do the possible consequences elude them. That's why a fuel protest can so easily bring the country to a halt. A small number of well placed terrorist explosive devices in oil terminals would bring the UK to its knees.

I'm not advocating a return to the days when the average person never left the village in their life but wonder if a halfway house wouldn't be a bad idea. The sides of motorways are littered with exhortations to driver not to drive tired. Those in charge of lorries have breaks enforced by law via the tachograph. Modern transport means that the limiting factor is ourselves and a macho culture means people won't admit weakness if possible. Stopping for a rest is weak.

Anyway, haven't we lost some of the mystery of travel when you need to jet half way around the world to see something different ? Ironically, one of the results of hypermobility is that larger shops can operate so much more efficiently than small ones that they dominate every high street. Therefore all towns look the same, negating the need to travel or at least making us go further for the same "hit" of different.

Is your journey really necessary ?

Wondering how to decide if you should struggle in to work when the weather is bad ? Simply look at your payslip. If you are badly paid such as:

• Nurses
• Ambulance Drivers
• The man in the cab of the gritting lorry

then you have no choice but to go to work. Even if the trip kills you.

On the other hand if you are well paid such as:

• Members of Parliament
• Senior managers
• On screen BBC employees
• Bankers

then please take the day off. No one is going to miss you.

Falling out with the Guardian


I've read the Guardian for most of my life. Our acquaintance started in the 6th form when a single copy was supplied to the common room. Most of my compatriots ignored it but I liked to have a read.


Later, when I worked for MAFF I read it when sitting on our reception. That was in the good old days when "Notes & Queries" was at the bottom of a page on a Wednesday. Like the best choccie in the box, you had to know it was there but if you did then it's the first place you would go.


More recently I've bought a copy on my way in to work or even more recently I've wandered around the newsagents to buy one of the few copies they have in. Some days I had to search several shops to get my news fix if I left it late.


But this has come to an end. I'm not stupid, for nearly as long as I've read the paper I've spotted the blatant hypocrisy in the pages - disdain for celebrity culture alongside hagiographical interviews with famous people or suggestions that we should all cut back on flying interwoven between adverts for readers offers for holidays, by plane. This isn't always a bad thing, exposure to opposing views is enlightening, and I'm not sure the paper is any worse than many of the others on the newstand. Those that aren't hypocritical hold views that are abhorrent to me (that's is you Daily Mail).


However, there have been two incidents that means my purchases will be irregular from now on. The first was a price increase from 80p to 90p per day. OK, so that's only 50p extra a week or £2.50 a month but it's the principle. I'm pretty certain that a hit on costs wouldn't have been noticed much - ditch some of the special inside bits for example. Does anyone really need the Social Worker Ballast section on Wednesday ? It weighs as much as the entire Saturday paper for gods sake and apart from the cartoon is just full of earnest people and several thousand job adverts (I know these = income but they could be online like the IT ones). Or Education, or a separate sports section.


OK, so journalism costs money. Take a look at the BBC which just regurgitates press releases nowadays so they can pay the DG three times as much as the Chief of the Metropolitan police.


The final nail though is a film review from this weeks Guide:


The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy
10:30pm, BBC2


There's and unashamedly Great British feel to this transatlantic production of Douglas Adam's ever-so-funny sci-fi novel: having a dressing-gowned Martin Freeman as befuddled space traveller Arthur Dent is like Doctor Who gatecrashing Star Wars. A lovely, witty, beautifully designed (apart from the dressing gown) adventure with comic turns from Bill Nighy, John Malcovich and Helen Mirren.


That us wrong. Very wrong.


What the review should say is this:


The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy
10:30pm, BBC2


It's rubbish. Don't watch it.


Simple and to the point. Nothing further is required except perhaps a campaign to get a licence fee refund for 2 hours of BBC 2 for everyone.


The film version of the HHGG is the second worst film of all time*. The makers took Douglas Adams marvelous radio series (not novel, Guardian idiot) and threw away pretty much all the funny bits, most of the story and characters and then misunderstood everything else. This means that Arthur ends up as some sort of half-baked action hero chasing around the galaxy trying to rescue Triallian.


"But the special effects are better than the old BBC version" someone will whine as if it mattered. No they aren't. Zaphod has 2 heads in the film, but one of them is in his neck. OK, the TVs radio controlled head wasn't great but at least it made sense. The TV also had stuff from the Guide, something the film dispenses with despite the title. And just to appease us there is a bizarre section in the film where the TV Marvin appears as an extra in a crowd scene looking for all the world like the guy in the suit has been shoved on several times from the side of the shot as he blunders pointlessly into view.


At the time the lack of guide was put down to a need to keep the running time of the film within sensible limits. If that were the case then why didn't the stupid "running across a field getting slapping the face by random swatter things" scene get dropped ? It's not in the radio series. Or the book. Or the TV and is rubbish stupid slapstick that isn't funny.


To cap it all the film ends with the "Heart of Gold" flying off to the restaurant at the end of the universe. It goes left (or right, I can't remember properly and I probably had my head in my hands by that point) and someone say something about it being the wrong direction and off it goes the other way. As anyone who can read or listen and comprehend anything about the show would understand, the restaurant isn't at a place, it's at a time. This might sound pedantic but it just sums up the hopelessness of the film. The writers took some characters and a little bit of story and then made the rest up.


Which is a shame. Lots of really cared about this series. It was fun. The radio version is excellent. Everyone I have even spoken to about the film has started ranting within seconds. Imagine taking a piece of art and adding a space hopper and you get the idea.


And at least the space hopper would be funny.


To conclude. You can by the Hitchikers Guide on CD which is very good. And I can get all the Guardian I need, including the excellent Quick Crossword online.


*"Herbie goes Bananas" since you ask. Even "Herbie Fully Loaded" was better than this pile of poo. If you must have singing children (and you don't) then at least spare us the words on the bottom of the screen.