Where have all the dickie birds gone ?

Last weekend was the annual RSPB Garden Birdwatch. Every year millions of people spend an hour staring out into the garden counting the birds. It's a clever idea that generates easy and popular news storeis for the media, extra donations for the RSPB and finally useful data for those plotting the demise of UK species.

I have some news for the bird scientists. Our feathered friends are cleverer than you think. They can read. They know when we are watching them and hide.

Every year I do my bit and every year a it's an hour wasted. Normally our garden is full of birds. They chomp through many sacks of sunflower seads and hundreds of fat balls. Not during birwatch time. Oh no. The little horrors hide away. Each year I have to report back a pathetic number.

Let's take the humble goldfinch. During most of the year there will be a flock of at least 10 around. Nearer October when thay are massing to fly south this grows to a swarm of over 30. In the birdwatch hour - 3.

Likewise blue tits. Dozens of them normally stuffing thier faces with seed and peanuts. Birwatch score, 6.

So when you hear apocolyptic takes in a few months of the demise of the bird population in Britain, don't beleive them. Those birds are clever and they are planning something...

First day in the office

The BBC reports that "President Obama spent some time alone in the Oval Office" as though this is suprising. If it was me in there I'd chuck everyone out so I could just sit swinging around in the chair and looking at it all.

Then I'd go through all the drawers to see what exciting stationery the previous incumbent had left me - he'll still be waiting for the order to arrive with new pens and stuff so George's crayons would have to do unless he'd brough his own. I bet there are all sorts of good things in there, presidents must get sent loads of freebie promotional stuff. Not just pens, pads and mousemats either. They will get the expensive items from the promo gift catalogues. Probably some good stress balls in funny shapes too.

Wales vs France

Israel and Hamas. This, for me, is like a sporting fixture between Wales and France. With the later I don't particularly like either participant and they (generally) don't like me much as far as I can tell when visiting. Therefore I would prefer an outcome where they both lose. At best a no score draw with all fans disappointed.

Same thing in the Middle East. Neither side can claim the moral high ground but both will. The Israelis will say correctly that Hamas have been firing rockets over the border. These have no guidance and so can't be claimed to be aimed at military targets. Hamas get around this by saying that everyone in Israel is a legitimate target. Men, women, children, dogs, cats, gerbils and especially the budgerigar special air force.

On the other hand it's pretty obvious that this latest action is timed to fill the vacuum between US presidents and will be carried out as ruthlessly as possible. While military targets may be the priority in truth everyone gets shot at. The impetus is also driven by elections in which everyone wants to look "hard". And years of oppression and blockades mean Hamas have plenty of disaffected people happy to fight 'cos they believe the next life offers them a whole lot more than the current one.

So both sides have a point. If the Isle of Man were firing rockets at the UK mainland, we'd have the RAF flying over there in double quick time. In a rational world, the Manx don't fire rockets at us as they know they would lose.

At the end, both sides will claim victory. Days of pictures of burning Arabs will please the Israel populace. They will do the same for Hamas who have made martyrdom and suffering part of their selling point and something to be proud of. And in a few months we'll be back to where we started from. Some say this started in 1967 when Gaza was invaded but if you listen to the fruit loops on both sides who seem to be in charge (voted in by the "moderates") the start date pretty quickly goes back 2000 years and both sides claim to be owners of "the promised land" according to the requisite supreme being. Eventually Hamas will provoke Israel again and Israel will allow itself to be provoked and overreact. Some might suggest that neither side like peace as it suits their political purposes for there to be war. George Orwell would be proud of them...

"So what would you do about it ?" you may ask. Well I propose the Comrade Phil Bulldozer. A giant machine as wide as the whole country. We'll start it up on one side and keep going until the whole lot of them have been pushed in the sea. And then decree that no-one can have the land and if they try we'll stick the 'dozer in reverse and shove the new incomers back in on the other side. It's a trick used by parents. If two kids squable over a toy, niether one gets it.